While travelling to America, I woke up early because of the time difference with Spain. I’d wake up at five in the morning, go into the room where I’d be working with other artists later, turn on some instruments and press record. I just played the song once, thinking to myself: “If it’s good, I might as well have it on tape.”
It’s hard for me to find words for my emotions and convey the depth of a feeling you can’t necessarily put into words. The new, instrumental record is more about how I’m feeling and words are just too packed with meaning, making it difficult to express strong emotions. It would almost feel disrespectful to try and put it into words. Those emotions were too big of a subject, so this record enables me to say a lot without actually speaking.
I also see this release as a way to cut down the tree blocking my way. Now, I can take any path I want. It took me 10 years to release something instrumental, because my manager and my label always told me that it wasn’t the right time. Once I’d made one, I didn’t want it to just sit around reminding me that it existed.
And I didn’t really want to go on tour with this album, because it would be the stupidest thing to do as it’s all I’m scared of. My manager, however, said to do one show as a way to honour the release. And this one show turned into a tour with over ten. When I’m on stage, I feel the need to fight what I’m scared of, even if I know I shouldn’t be scared. I don’t like that there might be something holding me back. Now, I’ve created songs without lyrics which are more difficult for the audience to accept, as they know me for singing my songs. So I'm doing this instrumental record and this feeling of giving them not what they want makes it hard to perform. Therefore I put in some songs here and there for them. But it still makes me feel as if I'm asking my audience to reject me by creating something they didn’t ask for. So doing these shows is kind of like challenging the negative voice in my head, which can get pretty loud.
That type of feeling - not enjoying being in front of people - has always been with me. When I was five, my parents would make me sing in front of my family. I didn’t necessarily want to, but my ego wanted me to do it. Afterwards, everyone would congratulate me by saying how great it was, but I felt embarrassed. It felt like showing off. I still feel the same way about performing, but those reactions from an early age inspired me and made me want to become a songwriter.
And the response is overwhelming. While on tour in Paris, I was worried about performing and thought the audience hated me. Though after the show people told me it was great and everyone was happy. In Poland, the crowd is always cheering. But I don’t like spending a lot of time in England, three days is more than enough for me. That is because I don’t like the feeling of being surrounded by people whose stories I already know. By hearing a certain accent I can write down their whole life story and that grosses me out.
Every place I went on tour to has different memories attached to it. Austria was the country where I did my first shows. I performed in real clubs for 5000 strangers. Austria was so good to me and made me want to get better. In Asian countries my friends and I had nice nights out. And I like going to America, because it’s a different and overwhelming place. I'd wake up in the early morning and make the instrumental pieces easily, with joy. Those were the moments that felt like I was returning to the root of what made me love doing this stuff in the first place.